Post by bella on Oct 6, 2005 12:36:42 GMT -5
Traian busied himself for the next few hours, tying up his hair, straighting the immaculate house to accomodate the visiting Zavier, and generally trying to occupy his antsy self.
While Zavier had been sleeping, Traian had cleaned, straightened up, and otherwise busied himself to get rid of excess energy. However, Zavier had desperately needed sleep, and he didn't appear to be waking any time soon. It came time in fact, when Traian was ready for bed and Zavier still hadn't awoken. Laying down on the couhc, he assured himself it was just to wait for Zavier. However, within fifteen minutes he'd fallen asleep.
After what had only seemed a short time to Zavier, though it had been quite a few hours, he slowly woke. He stared around, tense and nervous as he looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings. It took him a moment to remember everything that had happened in the last day and a half, but when he finally did he crawled quietly out of the bed and peeked out into the main room to see if Traian was still around. He spotted the Romanian laying on the couch and gingerly crept around to see if he was sleeping, or simply resting.
Traian was out cold. One hand draped over his forehead and the other hung off the couch haphazardly. He was still dressed as earlier, but had prudishly pulled his hair back once again.
Zavier could not help an admiring smile as he stared at Traian. He slipped around and sat down on the floor in front of Traian's sleeping form, resting his elbow on the edge of the couch and gingerly lifting Traian's haphazardly slung hand into, what he hoped, was a position more comfortable and less likely to put his arm asleep.
The man murmured something unidentifiable in his native tongue at the kind gesture. Turning over, he did his best to arrange his long and lanky body on the short couch.
Zavier wished he spoke Romanian, just so he could understand and quickly considered learning it. He reached up and gently brushed Traian's bangs from his face, debating whether the man would wake if Zavier simply carried him to bed. The couch had to be uncomfortable for someone of Traian's height.
Traian seemed content when asleep, far away from the stresses of being awake. He'd fallen asleep worrying about Zavier and his return and the endless possibilities, both positive and negative, that laid ahead. Almost reflexively, he brushed his hand over the one that touched his face.
Zavier debated with himself for awhile, then finally decided to leave Traian be for the time being. He had no idea how long Traian had been asleep, but rather than disturb his peaceful form he stood up and went about putting some water on for tea. It took him a bit to get familiar with the kitchen, but eventually he got everything taken care of. He then slipped back into the bedroom to call the school briefly and talk to them about taking on a position. He refused to burden others more than neccesary.
Traian awoke at the sound of things in the kitchen, and the overall feeling of another presence. At first he was afraid, but soon remembered that Zavier had been staying. More than anything he wanted to go and hug the man just then. But that might have been too foward, so he decided against it. "Zavier...?" he wondered softly, poking his head into the bedroom.
Zavier had just hung up when he heard Traian and looked up. He smiled gently upon seeing the pretty Romanian and stood up from the bed. "I'm sorry... did I wake you?"
"Ah... do not worry about it. My back was beginning to hurt anyhow..." he mumured sleepily. Glancing at the bedside clock, he internally groaned. It was nearly three AM.
Zavier frowned slightly in concern. "I considered carrying you in here, but you looked so peaceful..." He stood up and gestured to the bed. "If you want to lay down, I'll get you some tea. I put some water on a little while ago."
Traian blushed slightly at the mention of offering to help. Sitting at the edge of the bed he nodded. "If it isn't any trouble of course..." As it stood, Traian was practically as shy and timid as when they'd very first met.
Zavier shook his head and smiled indulgently. "Nothing is trouble when it comes to you, lovely. What type of tea would you like?" He moved towards the door of the bedroom and paused, awaiting Traian's answer.
"Ah... whatever it was that you planned on having..." Secretly, he wanted chai as it was his favorite, but he wasn't going to make demands.
Zavier raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't planning on anything, but alright..." He slipped away and went about putting together two cups of tea. He vaugely remembered that Traian was rather fond of chai, so he specificically hunted about the kitchen until he found some. He carefully doctored it with a bit of cream and sugar, made himself a cup of green tea, and carried both back into the bedroom, proferring the chai to Traian. "I hope it's alright... I wasn't quite sure how sweet you liked it."
Traian took it, and then smiled sweetly upon taking it. "No no, it's perfect..."
"I'm glad. I remember you saying you liked chai once." Zavier sat down on the bed beside Traian and sighed contently as he sipped his own tea.
Traian's lower lip wobbled slightly, but he bit back any unnecessary display of emotion. "I... I can't believe you remembered that..." he whispered softly, staring into the cup.
Zavier smiled warmly at Traian. "Hopefully I can suprise you with more things like that." He reached up and gently tucked a strand of Traian's hair behind his ear. "Besides, you deserve it."
Traian continued to look down shly. It would seem that Zavier was starting from square one tackling the man's timidness. At least he had prior knowledge this time...
Zavier pulled his hand back and scooted back so he could cross his legs beneath him. "Don't you think so?" He queried gently.
"I... I don't know. If you say so?" he tried, unsure of what answer Zavier most wanted.
Zavier shook his head and leaned back, propping himself up on one elbow as he sipped his tea. "I can say alot of things, but that doesn't make any of them true... like..." He paused, thoughtfully. "I'm a perverted product of a dwarf and a hunchback." He chuckled. "I'd rather know what you truly think, Traian."
Traian choked on his tea at that, and laughed a bit. "Ah... I don't know about your family history so..." he smiled softly in jest.
Zavier grinned and chuckled. "Ah, well... I'm not. Normal and average, through and through. My father was quite the asshole, and my mother is a spineless git actually."
Traian wasn't sure of what to say to that. He felt spineless at times... Setting the teacup down, it mostly empty, he folded his hands in his lap.
Zavier paused, looking at Traian and poked him gently in the side. "Did... I say something wrong?"
"Oh no, not at all..." he said quietly. Wringing his hands together nervously, he was quiet once more.
Zavier sat up straight and set his teacup down. "Traian... you're a horrible liar." He reached over and placed a hand on Traian's gently, to stop him from wringing them and distracting himself. "I know we aren't as close as we were, and I know I may not be the best to share things with but... I still love you. I want to hear your opinions, and share with you what you'll let me."
"I just.... forgive me. I've just become very nervous and... well. I'm sorry..." He tried, with a weak expression.
Zavier smiled faintly. "You don't need to be sorry for being you." He shifted, scooting closer to Traian and slipping an arm around him. "Let me know if I'm bothering you..." He said softly.
"No, you aren't bothering me at all..." he whispered and then ended up clinging to Zavier's side with a timid grip. "Please don't be frustrated and leave again..." he asked.
Zavier nuzzled into Traian's hair affectionately. "I've never been frustrated with you, lovely. And even if I should get frustrated, I don't intend to leave. Problems are fixed by talking and listening, not running away." He soothingly rubbed his hand along Traian's back.
Traian whimpered slightly and then moments later and burst into tears. "It's been so hard these last few years!"
Zavier turned so that he could wrap both arms around Traian easily and whispered soothingly. "It's alright... I won't let anything come between us again. I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you..." And he continued whispering such sweet, soothing words that would come to him, rubbing his hand over Traian's back and holding him as tight as he dared.
"Everything has gone wrong! Blaine and then I couldn't work, and I just haven't been able to feel the confidence I used to feel..." Tears flowed from his ice blue eyes, and delicate hands clung to Zavier's rumpled shirt.
Zavier bit his lip, feeling awful for having left Traian alone at all, much less for as long as he did. He should have known better. "Oh my lovely..." He whispered very softly. "You can be confident again... your just sensitive to others and there's nothing wrong with that."
"I...I..... It's just so hard to feel how I used to... Even after you left, I wasn't so bad... but... B-Blaine... it was just too much for me..." he said quietly, with unspoken tears slid down his cheek.
Zavier gently pulled Traian closer, cuddling him in as much of a protective cocoon as physically possible. "Have you had the chance to truly grieve for the boy?"
"I have... it's just feeling like a failure. I feel like I'm not good enough for facing the world..." he whispered.
Zavier slowly began stroking Traian's hair and tilted his head gently to look at Traian. "Why not?" he queried gently.
He wiped at his eyes with a trembling hand. "I don't know why... because I feel worse than I ever had before...."
"But that doesn't make you any less fit for anything." He smiled faintly. "Confidence and self-worth go hand in hand, m'love." Zavier reached up and gently assisted with wiping the tears away, stroking the pad of his thumb over Traian's cheeks.
Traian's glasses were askew and he sighed softly. "I know... I just don't know what to do sometimes. Nothing has gone right since then."
Zavier gently corrected the angle of Traian's glasses, with a faint smile of amusement at the rather adorable look. "I'm sure there have been things that have gone right. You've just been a bit preoccupied and missed them. You're here, aren't you?"
"Well... yes. But even here things have been difficult. I tried dating and failed horribly. My students think I'm a vampire..." he sighed.
Zavier couldn't help a little snicker at that. "A vampire...?" He smiled. "Well, then I suppose I could be introduced as your oh so obedient ghoul." He smiled, showing he was only joking. "Change is always difficult though."
"I know... it's just. Meh. I thought I'd be okay, but Marius just broke my confidence..."
Zavier raised an eyebrow out of curiosity. "Marius?" he inquired. "I'm afraid I'm not familiar with him."
Traian flushed and pulled away. Looking down to his hands, he seemed embarassed. "I... well... I thought you... you weren't coming back s-so I began trying dating..." he seemed almost afraid of Zavier's reaction.
Zavier blinked, suprised at Traian's sudden movement away from him and sighed, rather missing the comfy contact. He then paused, as if thinking... and finally shrugged. "Well, it would be rather silly of me to expect you to hang about with no word and no explanation."
"I...I..." he paused. "Aren't you angry with me?"
Zavier tilted his head to the side, staring at Traian. "No, should I be? What's done is done and cannot be unchanged. I'm much more for living in the now, than dwelling in the past... or at least, I try to."
"I... I was so afraid you'd be angry with me, or not want me anymore because of dating someone else...."
Zavier smiled indulgently and shrugged. "That's reasonable... considering my usual temper with others, but don't you think that would be quite unfair if I was?"
"I don't know. I don't think it's necessary for you to be so kind to me... I don't deserve such kindness..." he looked at the other man with a desperate expression, as if he were terribly frightened of rejection.
"But you do. You deserve to be happy, to be treated fairly, to be respected and loved." He stared at Traian, utterly serious. "You deserve more than you give yourself credit for."
"Perhaps..." he bit his lip. "I would like very much to try things with you again Zavier..."
Zavier's heart, had it been free of it's ribcage, would have lept up for joy. As it did, it skipped a beat. "I would like that very much as well." He smiled warmly at Traian.
Smiling timidly, he nodded. "Good then...." Scratching at the blanket top, the man was the picture perfect scene of a nervous schoolboy.
Zavier reached over and gently captured Traian's fidgeting hand again, smiling at the Romanian. "What has you so nervous lovely?"
"I just... it's very strange for you to be back. I'm just afraid of messing something up..."
Zavier stroked the back of Traian's hand slowly, looking down and away. "You never messed anything up between us. You've always been kind and indulgent of my less than favorable attitude. I was the fool."
"Ah...." the tone of his voice was honestly surprised. "May I... be closer to you...?' He asked, scooting a bit closer.
Zavier looked up and blinked, suprised that Traian felt he had to ask permission. He nodded and held out an arm, offering Traian sanctuary beneath it if he wanted. "You're welcome to be as close as you like, whenever you like. I certainly won't turn you away."
Crawling closer, he snuggled up against the smaller man. "Oh Zavier... I've missed you so!"
Zavier sighed contently, happy to have Traian comfortable with being close to him like this. "I've missed you too..." He sniffled slightly, and had to blink his hazel eyes a few times as they began to sting. He shouldn't be getting emotional! "I've missed so much about you, and just being beside you is so very comforting."
"I..." he heard the change in his voice. "Are you alright Zavier?"
Zavier wiggled his nose to relieve the sting at the back of it, and cleared his throat. "Y-yes..." He frowned slightly, as he seemed utterly incapable of putting all his practiced masks back -into- place after tearing them down the night before. That did not sit well with him at all.
Traian looked down sadly. "That's not true... Are you angry with me?"
Zavier shook his head vigorously, shifting to look at Traian. "No! Oh no, never..." He sighed and kissed Traian's forehead. "I'm just... being emotional... and I'm not used to it. It's always hurt to cry, but I'm just... so happy, and so unreasonably lucky!" He laughed, partly out of nervousness and partly out of a way to simply keep tears at bay. "I'm sorry... I'm acting silly, aren't I?"
"No no... I cry a lot, so... you are perfectly in the right to!" Traian stared at him in disbelief. "You're allowed to be emotional..."
Zavier rubbed at his eyes, feeling ridiculous for crying for no good reason... at least in his eyes. "Yes but..." He sighed. "I don't like being emotional... It's simply tied in to bad memories and worse reactions from others." He sniffled a bit, and finally sighed, bowing his head and slowly beginning to let go. "I feel... a great deal less stable."
"That's alright..." Traian thought a moment. "I'm not stable either... so you aren't alone?" he tried with an encouraging smile.
Zavier couldn't help but laugh lightly. "That helps." He smiled and leaned into Traian. "Sometimes, I don't think anyone has it together."
"They don't.... that's what Alastair told me. That I'm not alone in feeling weak because secretly most do..."
"Mm... the fountain of wisdom..." He smirked faintly. "I suppose then that I must admit that good things come out of him occasionally."
"You're so harsh in your opinion of him... why?" Traian wondered, as he knew none of the bad rumors and truths about Alastair from Rozen. Reaching up, a manicured fingertip wiped the tears that were balling on the end of Zavier's eyelashes.
"Because he comes across as utterly irresponsible and a smile painted over something else." Zavier closed his eyes at Traian's touch and shivered. It was unfamiliar to be comforted, rather than to comfort.
"What do you mean...?" he wondered curiously. Despite Zavier's reaction, he continued to brush fingertips over the man's dripping tears.
"He just seems... fake. I suppose he's hiding behind facades like most do, but on him, I simply don't like it. He's too bloody happy and never serious."
"He's changed a lot over the years.... Marriage has settled him down a lot I think."
Zavier snorted in a rather derisive manner. "Perhaps... though I haven't had the chance to see that. All I've heard from his thus far is that he might begin to unhate me, and all I've seen is the receiving end of his fist."
"He's grown to be very ah... protective. Especially since marrying Quin. I suppose part of him just grew into being so protective?"
"Mm... well, perhaps that comes part in parcel." He cracked his eyes open, looking at Traian. "He's not still... so... hm, how to say... flirtatious?"
"Not really. Quin beats him severly if he strays..." Traian remarked with a soft laugh.
Zavier laughed lightly, picturing the slight Irishman giving Alastair a fine pummeling. "Hn, bet that's a sight worth seeing... Perhaps I can give Quinn some pointers on where to hit."
Traian shook his head. "Now be nice... if it weren't for Alastair... well you might not have come back to me."
Zavier grinned. "True, and I am grateful for that... but it's all in good fun. So long as he doesn't stray, Quin won't have to resort to any of my suggestions. Besides, I owe him for knocking me on my back... deserved or no."
"Don't hit him!" Traian pleaded, at the same time tracing a finger tip over the swollen area of Zavier's lip and cheek.
Zavier sighed and lightly kissed Traian's fingertip. "I won't hit him. I promise... I don't like resorting to such vulgarities."
Traian smiled. "Now ah... weren't you being emotionally honest a moment ago?" he reminded him sweetly.
Zavier cleared his throat and blinked as innocently as he could muster. "I haven't the foggiest idea..."
Leaning forward, the Romanian took a deep breath. Seconds later, his lips pressed against Zavier's in the most timid brush of a kiss. "I won't be ashamed of you for being emotional..." he whispered, pulling an inch or so back from Zavier's mouth. It was the first tender kiss they'd shared in a very long time, and it left Traian's heart racing. He was silently willing himself not to panic the whole while.
That certainly gave Zavier pause, and he unknowningly held his breath for a moment as they kissed. When Traian pulled away, Zavier bowed his head and sighed shakily. How could something so simple pull down all the walls he so carefully constructed? "I know... It's difficult though." He spoke softly around the lump in his throat, which made him sound hoarse. "And I'm not sure how to explain why without it sounding like I'm just... rambling... or being a self-absorbed twit." He looked up shyly at Traian, or as shy as Zavier could possibly be.
Traian smiled, eyes kind from behind silver frames. "Oh Zavier... you're not any of those things...." Pulling the other man close to him, he spoke soothingly. "I ramble very often and am nervous... do not be ashamed of that." Truth be told, it was a bit off setting, but only because in all their time together long ago, Zavier had never let the walls down.
Zavier leaned into the comforting embrace, closing his watery eyes and slipping his arms around Traian. "Mm... I'll try not to be... if you'll do the same?"
"I..." he was caught in his own game. Well damn. "I... I will give you my best attempt." After a moment's thought, he spoke again. "Why are you so afraid to be emotional?"
Zavier nodded, satisfied with Traian's answer. "Good enough." He paused, at the following question, and frowned as he thought how best to phrase it. "...Because... my mother was always emotional, and used it against me. So did my stepfather. Emotions haven't been healthy releases for me, they've been tools... usually ones I was on the receiving end of." He paused for a moment, and then pulled away his arms from around Traian so that he might roll up his sleeves to his elbow. He held out his arm in the dimlight of the bedroom, the white of the numerous jagged scars catching the light and standing out against his tan skin. "This was a safe release for me. Something I had control of, and no one else." He said softly, having to force the words out. He didn't tell people about his scars or his past, and he most certainly didn't tell people about his hospital visits, or attempted suicides because too many people simply used suicide as an attention getter. He did not want to be, nor was he like, others in that respect. He didn't want to be labeled as suicidal, whether he was or not. And he did not want to be dismissed simply because he'd tried, and nearly succedded, so many long years ago. However, after everything Traian had been through because of him, Traian deserved to know more than he'd previously allowed past his carefully constructed defenses.
While Zavier had been sleeping, Traian had cleaned, straightened up, and otherwise busied himself to get rid of excess energy. However, Zavier had desperately needed sleep, and he didn't appear to be waking any time soon. It came time in fact, when Traian was ready for bed and Zavier still hadn't awoken. Laying down on the couhc, he assured himself it was just to wait for Zavier. However, within fifteen minutes he'd fallen asleep.
After what had only seemed a short time to Zavier, though it had been quite a few hours, he slowly woke. He stared around, tense and nervous as he looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings. It took him a moment to remember everything that had happened in the last day and a half, but when he finally did he crawled quietly out of the bed and peeked out into the main room to see if Traian was still around. He spotted the Romanian laying on the couch and gingerly crept around to see if he was sleeping, or simply resting.
Traian was out cold. One hand draped over his forehead and the other hung off the couch haphazardly. He was still dressed as earlier, but had prudishly pulled his hair back once again.
Zavier could not help an admiring smile as he stared at Traian. He slipped around and sat down on the floor in front of Traian's sleeping form, resting his elbow on the edge of the couch and gingerly lifting Traian's haphazardly slung hand into, what he hoped, was a position more comfortable and less likely to put his arm asleep.
The man murmured something unidentifiable in his native tongue at the kind gesture. Turning over, he did his best to arrange his long and lanky body on the short couch.
Zavier wished he spoke Romanian, just so he could understand and quickly considered learning it. He reached up and gently brushed Traian's bangs from his face, debating whether the man would wake if Zavier simply carried him to bed. The couch had to be uncomfortable for someone of Traian's height.
Traian seemed content when asleep, far away from the stresses of being awake. He'd fallen asleep worrying about Zavier and his return and the endless possibilities, both positive and negative, that laid ahead. Almost reflexively, he brushed his hand over the one that touched his face.
Zavier debated with himself for awhile, then finally decided to leave Traian be for the time being. He had no idea how long Traian had been asleep, but rather than disturb his peaceful form he stood up and went about putting some water on for tea. It took him a bit to get familiar with the kitchen, but eventually he got everything taken care of. He then slipped back into the bedroom to call the school briefly and talk to them about taking on a position. He refused to burden others more than neccesary.
Traian awoke at the sound of things in the kitchen, and the overall feeling of another presence. At first he was afraid, but soon remembered that Zavier had been staying. More than anything he wanted to go and hug the man just then. But that might have been too foward, so he decided against it. "Zavier...?" he wondered softly, poking his head into the bedroom.
Zavier had just hung up when he heard Traian and looked up. He smiled gently upon seeing the pretty Romanian and stood up from the bed. "I'm sorry... did I wake you?"
"Ah... do not worry about it. My back was beginning to hurt anyhow..." he mumured sleepily. Glancing at the bedside clock, he internally groaned. It was nearly three AM.
Zavier frowned slightly in concern. "I considered carrying you in here, but you looked so peaceful..." He stood up and gestured to the bed. "If you want to lay down, I'll get you some tea. I put some water on a little while ago."
Traian blushed slightly at the mention of offering to help. Sitting at the edge of the bed he nodded. "If it isn't any trouble of course..." As it stood, Traian was practically as shy and timid as when they'd very first met.
Zavier shook his head and smiled indulgently. "Nothing is trouble when it comes to you, lovely. What type of tea would you like?" He moved towards the door of the bedroom and paused, awaiting Traian's answer.
"Ah... whatever it was that you planned on having..." Secretly, he wanted chai as it was his favorite, but he wasn't going to make demands.
Zavier raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't planning on anything, but alright..." He slipped away and went about putting together two cups of tea. He vaugely remembered that Traian was rather fond of chai, so he specificically hunted about the kitchen until he found some. He carefully doctored it with a bit of cream and sugar, made himself a cup of green tea, and carried both back into the bedroom, proferring the chai to Traian. "I hope it's alright... I wasn't quite sure how sweet you liked it."
Traian took it, and then smiled sweetly upon taking it. "No no, it's perfect..."
"I'm glad. I remember you saying you liked chai once." Zavier sat down on the bed beside Traian and sighed contently as he sipped his own tea.
Traian's lower lip wobbled slightly, but he bit back any unnecessary display of emotion. "I... I can't believe you remembered that..." he whispered softly, staring into the cup.
Zavier smiled warmly at Traian. "Hopefully I can suprise you with more things like that." He reached up and gently tucked a strand of Traian's hair behind his ear. "Besides, you deserve it."
Traian continued to look down shly. It would seem that Zavier was starting from square one tackling the man's timidness. At least he had prior knowledge this time...
Zavier pulled his hand back and scooted back so he could cross his legs beneath him. "Don't you think so?" He queried gently.
"I... I don't know. If you say so?" he tried, unsure of what answer Zavier most wanted.
Zavier shook his head and leaned back, propping himself up on one elbow as he sipped his tea. "I can say alot of things, but that doesn't make any of them true... like..." He paused, thoughtfully. "I'm a perverted product of a dwarf and a hunchback." He chuckled. "I'd rather know what you truly think, Traian."
Traian choked on his tea at that, and laughed a bit. "Ah... I don't know about your family history so..." he smiled softly in jest.
Zavier grinned and chuckled. "Ah, well... I'm not. Normal and average, through and through. My father was quite the asshole, and my mother is a spineless git actually."
Traian wasn't sure of what to say to that. He felt spineless at times... Setting the teacup down, it mostly empty, he folded his hands in his lap.
Zavier paused, looking at Traian and poked him gently in the side. "Did... I say something wrong?"
"Oh no, not at all..." he said quietly. Wringing his hands together nervously, he was quiet once more.
Zavier sat up straight and set his teacup down. "Traian... you're a horrible liar." He reached over and placed a hand on Traian's gently, to stop him from wringing them and distracting himself. "I know we aren't as close as we were, and I know I may not be the best to share things with but... I still love you. I want to hear your opinions, and share with you what you'll let me."
"I just.... forgive me. I've just become very nervous and... well. I'm sorry..." He tried, with a weak expression.
Zavier smiled faintly. "You don't need to be sorry for being you." He shifted, scooting closer to Traian and slipping an arm around him. "Let me know if I'm bothering you..." He said softly.
"No, you aren't bothering me at all..." he whispered and then ended up clinging to Zavier's side with a timid grip. "Please don't be frustrated and leave again..." he asked.
Zavier nuzzled into Traian's hair affectionately. "I've never been frustrated with you, lovely. And even if I should get frustrated, I don't intend to leave. Problems are fixed by talking and listening, not running away." He soothingly rubbed his hand along Traian's back.
Traian whimpered slightly and then moments later and burst into tears. "It's been so hard these last few years!"
Zavier turned so that he could wrap both arms around Traian easily and whispered soothingly. "It's alright... I won't let anything come between us again. I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you..." And he continued whispering such sweet, soothing words that would come to him, rubbing his hand over Traian's back and holding him as tight as he dared.
"Everything has gone wrong! Blaine and then I couldn't work, and I just haven't been able to feel the confidence I used to feel..." Tears flowed from his ice blue eyes, and delicate hands clung to Zavier's rumpled shirt.
Zavier bit his lip, feeling awful for having left Traian alone at all, much less for as long as he did. He should have known better. "Oh my lovely..." He whispered very softly. "You can be confident again... your just sensitive to others and there's nothing wrong with that."
"I...I..... It's just so hard to feel how I used to... Even after you left, I wasn't so bad... but... B-Blaine... it was just too much for me..." he said quietly, with unspoken tears slid down his cheek.
Zavier gently pulled Traian closer, cuddling him in as much of a protective cocoon as physically possible. "Have you had the chance to truly grieve for the boy?"
"I have... it's just feeling like a failure. I feel like I'm not good enough for facing the world..." he whispered.
Zavier slowly began stroking Traian's hair and tilted his head gently to look at Traian. "Why not?" he queried gently.
He wiped at his eyes with a trembling hand. "I don't know why... because I feel worse than I ever had before...."
"But that doesn't make you any less fit for anything." He smiled faintly. "Confidence and self-worth go hand in hand, m'love." Zavier reached up and gently assisted with wiping the tears away, stroking the pad of his thumb over Traian's cheeks.
Traian's glasses were askew and he sighed softly. "I know... I just don't know what to do sometimes. Nothing has gone right since then."
Zavier gently corrected the angle of Traian's glasses, with a faint smile of amusement at the rather adorable look. "I'm sure there have been things that have gone right. You've just been a bit preoccupied and missed them. You're here, aren't you?"
"Well... yes. But even here things have been difficult. I tried dating and failed horribly. My students think I'm a vampire..." he sighed.
Zavier couldn't help a little snicker at that. "A vampire...?" He smiled. "Well, then I suppose I could be introduced as your oh so obedient ghoul." He smiled, showing he was only joking. "Change is always difficult though."
"I know... it's just. Meh. I thought I'd be okay, but Marius just broke my confidence..."
Zavier raised an eyebrow out of curiosity. "Marius?" he inquired. "I'm afraid I'm not familiar with him."
Traian flushed and pulled away. Looking down to his hands, he seemed embarassed. "I... well... I thought you... you weren't coming back s-so I began trying dating..." he seemed almost afraid of Zavier's reaction.
Zavier blinked, suprised at Traian's sudden movement away from him and sighed, rather missing the comfy contact. He then paused, as if thinking... and finally shrugged. "Well, it would be rather silly of me to expect you to hang about with no word and no explanation."
"I...I..." he paused. "Aren't you angry with me?"
Zavier tilted his head to the side, staring at Traian. "No, should I be? What's done is done and cannot be unchanged. I'm much more for living in the now, than dwelling in the past... or at least, I try to."
"I... I was so afraid you'd be angry with me, or not want me anymore because of dating someone else...."
Zavier smiled indulgently and shrugged. "That's reasonable... considering my usual temper with others, but don't you think that would be quite unfair if I was?"
"I don't know. I don't think it's necessary for you to be so kind to me... I don't deserve such kindness..." he looked at the other man with a desperate expression, as if he were terribly frightened of rejection.
"But you do. You deserve to be happy, to be treated fairly, to be respected and loved." He stared at Traian, utterly serious. "You deserve more than you give yourself credit for."
"Perhaps..." he bit his lip. "I would like very much to try things with you again Zavier..."
Zavier's heart, had it been free of it's ribcage, would have lept up for joy. As it did, it skipped a beat. "I would like that very much as well." He smiled warmly at Traian.
Smiling timidly, he nodded. "Good then...." Scratching at the blanket top, the man was the picture perfect scene of a nervous schoolboy.
Zavier reached over and gently captured Traian's fidgeting hand again, smiling at the Romanian. "What has you so nervous lovely?"
"I just... it's very strange for you to be back. I'm just afraid of messing something up..."
Zavier stroked the back of Traian's hand slowly, looking down and away. "You never messed anything up between us. You've always been kind and indulgent of my less than favorable attitude. I was the fool."
"Ah...." the tone of his voice was honestly surprised. "May I... be closer to you...?' He asked, scooting a bit closer.
Zavier looked up and blinked, suprised that Traian felt he had to ask permission. He nodded and held out an arm, offering Traian sanctuary beneath it if he wanted. "You're welcome to be as close as you like, whenever you like. I certainly won't turn you away."
Crawling closer, he snuggled up against the smaller man. "Oh Zavier... I've missed you so!"
Zavier sighed contently, happy to have Traian comfortable with being close to him like this. "I've missed you too..." He sniffled slightly, and had to blink his hazel eyes a few times as they began to sting. He shouldn't be getting emotional! "I've missed so much about you, and just being beside you is so very comforting."
"I..." he heard the change in his voice. "Are you alright Zavier?"
Zavier wiggled his nose to relieve the sting at the back of it, and cleared his throat. "Y-yes..." He frowned slightly, as he seemed utterly incapable of putting all his practiced masks back -into- place after tearing them down the night before. That did not sit well with him at all.
Traian looked down sadly. "That's not true... Are you angry with me?"
Zavier shook his head vigorously, shifting to look at Traian. "No! Oh no, never..." He sighed and kissed Traian's forehead. "I'm just... being emotional... and I'm not used to it. It's always hurt to cry, but I'm just... so happy, and so unreasonably lucky!" He laughed, partly out of nervousness and partly out of a way to simply keep tears at bay. "I'm sorry... I'm acting silly, aren't I?"
"No no... I cry a lot, so... you are perfectly in the right to!" Traian stared at him in disbelief. "You're allowed to be emotional..."
Zavier rubbed at his eyes, feeling ridiculous for crying for no good reason... at least in his eyes. "Yes but..." He sighed. "I don't like being emotional... It's simply tied in to bad memories and worse reactions from others." He sniffled a bit, and finally sighed, bowing his head and slowly beginning to let go. "I feel... a great deal less stable."
"That's alright..." Traian thought a moment. "I'm not stable either... so you aren't alone?" he tried with an encouraging smile.
Zavier couldn't help but laugh lightly. "That helps." He smiled and leaned into Traian. "Sometimes, I don't think anyone has it together."
"They don't.... that's what Alastair told me. That I'm not alone in feeling weak because secretly most do..."
"Mm... the fountain of wisdom..." He smirked faintly. "I suppose then that I must admit that good things come out of him occasionally."
"You're so harsh in your opinion of him... why?" Traian wondered, as he knew none of the bad rumors and truths about Alastair from Rozen. Reaching up, a manicured fingertip wiped the tears that were balling on the end of Zavier's eyelashes.
"Because he comes across as utterly irresponsible and a smile painted over something else." Zavier closed his eyes at Traian's touch and shivered. It was unfamiliar to be comforted, rather than to comfort.
"What do you mean...?" he wondered curiously. Despite Zavier's reaction, he continued to brush fingertips over the man's dripping tears.
"He just seems... fake. I suppose he's hiding behind facades like most do, but on him, I simply don't like it. He's too bloody happy and never serious."
"He's changed a lot over the years.... Marriage has settled him down a lot I think."
Zavier snorted in a rather derisive manner. "Perhaps... though I haven't had the chance to see that. All I've heard from his thus far is that he might begin to unhate me, and all I've seen is the receiving end of his fist."
"He's grown to be very ah... protective. Especially since marrying Quin. I suppose part of him just grew into being so protective?"
"Mm... well, perhaps that comes part in parcel." He cracked his eyes open, looking at Traian. "He's not still... so... hm, how to say... flirtatious?"
"Not really. Quin beats him severly if he strays..." Traian remarked with a soft laugh.
Zavier laughed lightly, picturing the slight Irishman giving Alastair a fine pummeling. "Hn, bet that's a sight worth seeing... Perhaps I can give Quinn some pointers on where to hit."
Traian shook his head. "Now be nice... if it weren't for Alastair... well you might not have come back to me."
Zavier grinned. "True, and I am grateful for that... but it's all in good fun. So long as he doesn't stray, Quin won't have to resort to any of my suggestions. Besides, I owe him for knocking me on my back... deserved or no."
"Don't hit him!" Traian pleaded, at the same time tracing a finger tip over the swollen area of Zavier's lip and cheek.
Zavier sighed and lightly kissed Traian's fingertip. "I won't hit him. I promise... I don't like resorting to such vulgarities."
Traian smiled. "Now ah... weren't you being emotionally honest a moment ago?" he reminded him sweetly.
Zavier cleared his throat and blinked as innocently as he could muster. "I haven't the foggiest idea..."
Leaning forward, the Romanian took a deep breath. Seconds later, his lips pressed against Zavier's in the most timid brush of a kiss. "I won't be ashamed of you for being emotional..." he whispered, pulling an inch or so back from Zavier's mouth. It was the first tender kiss they'd shared in a very long time, and it left Traian's heart racing. He was silently willing himself not to panic the whole while.
That certainly gave Zavier pause, and he unknowningly held his breath for a moment as they kissed. When Traian pulled away, Zavier bowed his head and sighed shakily. How could something so simple pull down all the walls he so carefully constructed? "I know... It's difficult though." He spoke softly around the lump in his throat, which made him sound hoarse. "And I'm not sure how to explain why without it sounding like I'm just... rambling... or being a self-absorbed twit." He looked up shyly at Traian, or as shy as Zavier could possibly be.
Traian smiled, eyes kind from behind silver frames. "Oh Zavier... you're not any of those things...." Pulling the other man close to him, he spoke soothingly. "I ramble very often and am nervous... do not be ashamed of that." Truth be told, it was a bit off setting, but only because in all their time together long ago, Zavier had never let the walls down.
Zavier leaned into the comforting embrace, closing his watery eyes and slipping his arms around Traian. "Mm... I'll try not to be... if you'll do the same?"
"I..." he was caught in his own game. Well damn. "I... I will give you my best attempt." After a moment's thought, he spoke again. "Why are you so afraid to be emotional?"
Zavier nodded, satisfied with Traian's answer. "Good enough." He paused, at the following question, and frowned as he thought how best to phrase it. "...Because... my mother was always emotional, and used it against me. So did my stepfather. Emotions haven't been healthy releases for me, they've been tools... usually ones I was on the receiving end of." He paused for a moment, and then pulled away his arms from around Traian so that he might roll up his sleeves to his elbow. He held out his arm in the dimlight of the bedroom, the white of the numerous jagged scars catching the light and standing out against his tan skin. "This was a safe release for me. Something I had control of, and no one else." He said softly, having to force the words out. He didn't tell people about his scars or his past, and he most certainly didn't tell people about his hospital visits, or attempted suicides because too many people simply used suicide as an attention getter. He did not want to be, nor was he like, others in that respect. He didn't want to be labeled as suicidal, whether he was or not. And he did not want to be dismissed simply because he'd tried, and nearly succedded, so many long years ago. However, after everything Traian had been through because of him, Traian deserved to know more than he'd previously allowed past his carefully constructed defenses.